NCDV: For Women. For Men. For Everyone.
At its core, this is not just a slogan, it’s a statement of principle. Domestic abuse does not exist within a single gender, and neither should support, understanding, or pathways to safety. While national conversations have rightly focused on violence against women and girls, it is vital that our collective response does not unintentionally exclude others. When men do not see themselves reflected in how domestic abuse is discussed or understood, disclosure becomes harder, silence becomes safer, and harm continues unchecked.
One of the most significant barriers is men not identifying their experiences as domestic abuse.
Domestic abuse is still widely understood through a narrow lens, often centred on physical violence. Yet many men experience abuse in other forms, such as, coercive control, emotional abuse, financial control, harassment, and post-separation abuse. When public narratives fail to acknowledge men’s experiences, they are often reframed as “relationship problems”, “arguments”, or simply something to be endured. This is exacerbated by the fact they are not visible within the figures. The government considers crimes like domestic abuse under the Violence Against Women and Girls (VAWG) strategy, therefore male victims are included, but you would never guess it from the title!
If abuse is consistently described as something that happens to women, men may struggle to recognise that what they’re experiencing fits within that definition at all. And if abuse is not recognised, it cannot be disclosed.
Masculinity and the cost of speaking out
Disclosure can feel like a direct challenge to deeply ingrained expectations around masculinity.
Many men are socialised to be self-reliant, resilient, and in control. Vulnerability is often discouraged, particularly when it involves harm within an intimate relationship. Admitting to being abused can feel like a personal failure, not just a difficult experience, but a loss of identity. For some men, the internal conflict between needing support and feeling they should cope alone becomes overwhelming. Silence can feel safer than risking judgement, disbelief, or shame.
Fear of disbelief and misidentification
A common fear among male victim-survivors is not simply that they will not be believed, but that they will be misunderstood.
Men may worry that disclosure will result in:
- Their experience being minimised or dismissed.
- The abuse being reframed as “mutual conflict”.
- Assumptions that they are the primary aggressor.
These concerns often lead men to disclose cautiously, offering partial or indirect information to test how it will be received. When they receive responses that are dismissive, surprised, or framed around relationship conflict rather than harm, the opportunity for meaningful disclosure can close, sometimes permanently.
The perceived risks of disclosure
Disclosure is not a neutral act. For many men, it feels risky.
Concerns may include:
- Losing contact with their children.
- Being asked to leave the home.
- Escalation from the abusive partner.
- Becoming involved with systems they do not trust
When the perceived consequences of disclosure outweigh the perceived benefits, silence becomes a rational, self-protective choice.
Professional responses matter
Men often disclose abuse first to professionals outside specialist domestic abuse services, such as GPs, police officers, housing providers, or family court professionals.
How these disclosures are received matters enormously. When professionals:
- Use gendered assumptions.
- Focus immediately on relationship conflict.
- Fail to ask follow-up questions.
- Appear uncertain or uncomfortable.
Men can quickly conclude that their experience does not fit within the system’s understanding of domestic abuse. Conversely, when professionals use inclusive, behaviour-focused language and respond without surprise or judgement, disclosure becomes possible.
Isolation and the absence of validation
Many men experiencing domestic abuse feel profoundly isolated. They may have no peers they feel able to confide in and no visible public narratives that validate their experiences. Without examples of other men being believed and supported, it is easy to conclude:
“If no one else is talking about this, maybe it isn’t abuse, or maybe it’s just me.”
Visibility does not force disclosure, but it gives permission for it to happen.
Creating the conditions for disclosure
Men are more likely to disclose when:
- Abuse is described in gender-inclusive, behaviour-focused ways.
- Messaging makes it explicit that abuse can happen to anyone.
- Professionals respond with belief rather than surprise.
Systems clearly signal that support is available without assumptions.
This does not detract from the urgent and necessary focus on violence against women and girls. It strengthens the overall response to domestic abuse by ensuring that no victim-survivor is left feeling unseen or unsupported because they do not fit a dominant narrative.
Closing reflection
Men do not fail to disclose because they do not need support. They fail to disclose because too often the system tells them, quietly but consistently, that this story was not written with them in mind.
If we want earlier disclosure, safer outcomes, and more effective intervention, we must ensure that everyone experiencing domestic abuse can see themselves in the conversation, and feel believed when they speak.
Sally Herzog
Training & Engagement Manager, NCDV