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    Elena’s Story

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    Elena’s Story

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    Elena (not her real name) was referred to NCDV by a concerned friend.

    She told us, that at the start of her relationship with Don (not his real name), he was charming and attentive.  He seemed to be a kind man who made Elena feel special. They met at a mutual friend’s wedding, and the sparks flew instantly. He listened to her stories, made her laugh, and was always there when she needed him. He made her feel seen, and for a while, Elena thought she had found her soulmate.

    But soon, subtle shifts started to happen. Don would make small comments about how she dressed or the friends she saw.  These comments would subtly creep into conversations.  Don didn’t like it when she went out with her friends or when she made plans without consulting him first.  He would sulk and not speak to her for a couple of days.  At first, Elena shrugged it off, and attributed it to the fact that he wanted to spend all his time with her because he wanted to be close to her.

    However, as time went on, the cracks in their relationship began to widen. Don became much more possessive.  He monitored Elena’s every move, questioned her about phone calls or texts, and showed signs of jealousy when she spoke to other men, even if they were just colleagues. Elena started to feel isolated, but she didn’t want to admit that something was wrong.

    Then the emotional manipulation began. Don would accuse her of not caring enough about him, of being selfish for wanting space or time with her family and friends. He would say things like, “If you really loved me, you would understand why I’m upset,” or, “Don’t you want to spend time with me?”  Elena started to doubt herself. She questioned whether she was being unreasonable, and in trying to keep the peace, she would apologise, even when she wasn’t sure what she was apologising for!

    One evening, after an argument about something trivial, Don’s anger erupted. The calm demeanour she was used to vanished, replaced by fury. He shouted at her, calling her names, accusing her of being disrespectful. Elena tried to leave the room, but he grabbed her arm and pulled her back. The force with which he did so startled her. She had never seen him like this before, and for the first time, she feared for her safety.

    The next day, he apologised profusely.  He cried and promised it would never happen again. Elena, shocked at how remorseful he seemed to be, accepted his apology. But the cycle had begun. The moments of calm were now overshadowed by the tension and the fear of what might come next. The emotional and verbal abuse escalated, and every time she tried to speak up, he would manipulate her into silence, making her feel guilty for questioning him.

    It wasn’t until one of Elena’s close friends noticed the bruises on her arms, hidden beneath long sleeves that she finally began to realise that what she was experiencing was abuse. Her friend, had read about NCDV in her Dr’s surgery and urged Elena to reach out to us for support in getting an injunction. Elena resisted at first. She still felt she could manage the situation.  She was afraid that Don would take no notice of an injunction and felt that it could just make him worse.  In any case, she was too scared to leave.

    Some months later, after yet another violent outburst, Elena made the decision. She packed a small bag with clothes and essentials and left. She had nowhere to go, so she went to her friends.  The next day her friend made a referral to NCDV on behalf of Elena.

    Elena worked and did not meet the criteria to claim Legal Aid, so we allocated her to our Pro Bono team.  They helped her apply to the civil court for a non-molestation injunction, which she successfully got.

    Don did take notice of the court order and Elena was able to start to move on with her life without the fear of Don doing something to hurt her.  She remains happy and settled, and is working through the trauma she experienced by attending local support groups.

    Share Your Story

    In this series we are using the brave stories of domestic abuse survivors to bring hope to others currently facing abuse. Their stories are sadly not unique, the victims share them willingly to help others get the support they did.
    Share This Story

    By Fiona Bawden, Times Online (8th May 2007)

    “Steve Connor, a student at City Law School, is a man on a mission. Six years ago he was a fairly directionless 27-year-old. Today, as well as taking the Bar Vocational Course, he is chairman of the National Centre for Domestic Violence, a ground-breaking organisation that he dragged into existence after a friend could not get legal help to protect her from an abusive partner.

    Connor’s route to the Bar has been circuitous. In 2001 he returned from a year in Australia (he says that he would not dignify describing it as a gap year), and took a job as a process server in South London. The job (“I just saw it advertised in the paper”) was not quite as dull as it sounds. On one occasion he was threatened with a machete, on another, he was nearly stabbed by a man he had arranged to meet on Clapham Common to serve with a non-molestation order: “He’d seemed really friendly on the phone…”

    The turning point in his life came when a friend, who was being abused by her partner, turned to him for support. Connor went with her to the police. She did not want to press criminal charges so the police suggested that she visit a solicitor to take out a civil injunction. “We must have seen 12 solicitors in a morning. We just went from one to the next to the next to the next. Everyone was very eager to help until we sat down to fill in the forms for the legal aid means test,” he says. The woman, who had a small child, did not qualify for public funding. But, Connor says, her financial situation as it appeared on paper did not bear any relation to her financial situation in reality. “She had a part-time job and she and her partner owned their home. Yet she didn’t have any money. Her boyfriend was very controlling and controlled all the money; he kept the chequebooks and didn’t let her have access to the bank account.”

    The injustice of the situation got under Connor’s skin. “I just couldn’t believe that there was no help available to people who did not qualify for public funds but could not afford to pay.

    I just kept feeling that this must be able to be sorted if only someone would address it.”That “someone” turned out to be him.

    In 2002, thanks entirely to Connor’s doggedness, the London Centre for Domestic Violence was formed. It started out with him and a friend, but is now a national organisation, covering 27 counties, and has helped approximately 10,000 victims last year to take out injunctions against their partners.

    NCDV now has nine full-time staff, 12 permanent volunteers and has trained over 5000 law and other students as McKenzie Friends to accompany unrepresented victims into court. We have also trained over 8000 police officers in civil remedies available regarding domestic violence. The National Centre for Domestic Violence (NCDV) has branches in London, Guildford and Manchester and is on track to have branches in 16 areas within the next two years.

    NCDV specialises exclusively in domestic violence work and could be characterised as a cross between McDonald’s and Claims Direct. The high degree of specialisation means that its processes are streamlined: clients can be seen quickly and the work is done speedily and cheaply. “Sometimes, we will have one of our trained McKenzie Friends at a court doing 10 applications in one day,” Connor says.

    Clients are not charged for the service. NCDV staff take an initial statement: clients who qualify for legal aid are referred to a local firm; those that don’t get free help from the centre itself. It runs on a shoestring, heavily reliant on volunteers and capping staff salaries at £18,000 a year.

    Steve expects to qualify as a barrister this summer and hopes that having a formal legal qualification will give the centre added clout. “We are already acknowledged as experts and consulted at a high level, so I thought it would be helpful if I could back that up by being able to say I’m a barrister,” he says. He is just about to complete a one-year full-time BVC course at the City Law School (formerly the Inns of Court Law School) and, all being well, should be called to the Bar in July. Although Connor sees his long-term future as a barrister, he says that he has no immediate plans to practise. “I want to get NCDV running on a fully national level. Then I may take a step back and have a career at the Bar.”