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What is Domestic Abuse

Domestic abuse is defined in law as the physical, emotional, psychological, sexual or economic abuse by a current or former partner or someone with a family-type connection. These types of physical or non-physical behaviours often form a systematic pattern of control, known as coercive control. You do not have to experience all of these types of abuse, nor do you need to be hit or hurt. You might hear domestic abuse referred to in other ways too, such as intimate partner violence (IPV), gender-based violence (when it relates to women and girls), family violence, or couple abuse – but it all means the same thing. Domestic abuse does not usually stop, but gets worse over time.

Anyone can experience domestic abuse, regardless of gender, age, ethnicity, socio-economic status, sexuality or background. Ending an abusive relationship is difficult and scary and the abuse may not stop even after the relationship ends, but there is help out there to help you get through this as safely as possible.

Impacts of Domestic Abuse

The impacts of domestic abuse can be serious and debilitating. Alongside injuries from physical assaults, survivors can experience anxiety, depression, extreme fear, post-traumatic stress syndrome (PTSD), disordered sleep and eating, or a range of stress-related health conditions. Sometimes, people turn to unhealthy ways of coping such as misuse of alcohol or drugs, self-harming behaviours or compulsive gambling. Unfortunately, these types of coping mechanisms are likely to make the situation worse. Financial or economic abuse can make it very difficult to leave an abusive relationship, especially if you have no access to money, substantial debt and arrears, or your credit score has been affected. Children and young people are also impacted by living with domestic abuse, even if you think they are asleep or out of the house when the incidents occur. Children can be used as weapons by the abuser, manipulated into copying the abuse, or used to emotionally blackmail you.

Although you might feel helpless at times, there is help out there. Keep in mind that many people escape abusive relationships every year, and with the right support, you can too.

Who Does It Happen To?

Who experiences domestic abuse? The short answer, is domestic abuse can happen to anyone. Some of us might believe it could never happen to us because we would recognise the signs straight away, but in reality abusers can present themselves credibly and hide their abusive behaviours until the relationship is well-established. Because this is a grooming process, anyone can experience domestic abuse. It cuts across all backgrounds, ages, cultures and social groups.

We might view domestic abuse as violence between a man and a woman who are or have been in a romantic relationship. But people can experience domestic abuse from their same-sex partner, their sibling, their parent, their child or their in-laws. They may receive abuse from more than one person, or be at risk of a forced marriage or honour-based abuse. Elder-abuse is a form of domestic abuse too, especially when perpetrated by a family member they rely on for care.

It can be argued that domestic abuse is a gendered crime, because the majority of victims are women and the majority of perpetrators are men. This is reflected in our own referral statistics. But because domestic abuse can happen anyone and any person might require protection through the civil courts, we don’t focus on who is experiencing abuse, only on helping people who need a civil order.

Physical Abuse

Physical abuse covers a whole spectrum of physical assault. It can include shoving and pushing, slapping or thumping, serious beatings, attempted strangulation, or acid attacks. this is not an exhaustive list and you can be hurt in many different ways. All forms of domestic abuse pose a serious threat, so it’s important to seek help and support as soon as possible.

Emotional Abuse

Emotional and psychological abuse involves behaviours designed to threaten, frighten, control, intimidate and confuse you. It’s not so easy to recognise as physical abuse. You’re likely to know if you’ve been hit or hurt and that the behaviour is unacceptable, but emotional abuse can creep up and take you by surprise. This is especially true when the relationship goes through good times as well as bad – because in the good times you might forget how bad things can get, or believe that the abuse has stopped for good. These are just a few of the behaviours that make up emotional abuse, there are many more, and they are designed to hurt you, frighten you, confuse you or control you:

Isolation

Isolation makes it harder to see friends or family, continue with work or education, or continue with hobbies. In the early days your abuser will say it’s because they are crazy about you and they want to spend every moment with you, but as time goes by you might be told what you can and can’t do, and where you can and can’t go. Isolation prevents others seeing what is happening or stepping in to help. It also makes you more dependent on your abuser.

Controlling your privacy and movement

Your abuser may check your phone, read your posts or control your social media. They might want to know your movements and demand explanations if you’re late home. They might follow you or turn up at work or when you’re socialising with others. The advance of technology makes it easier to track your car, hack into your phone and laptop, or record you in the home. Doorbell cams can be used to monitor when you leave the house and who is visiting you at home.

Threats and intimidation

You might be threatened with violence, or harm to your children, family or pets. You might have threats held over you such as threatening to tell social services you’re a bad parent, or threatening to share intimate images with others. Intimidation is when someone uses threatening or aggressive behaviour to frighten you. This can be slamming or punching doors, shouting, or driving erratically. Threats and intimidation can also be used after the relationship has ended together with harassment and stalking, to continue exercising control over you.

Mind games

This behaviour is sometimes called gas lighting. You might be repeatedly told the abuse is your fault, or it wasn’t that bad, or you’re being dramatic. Abusers can be very good at mind games, they might make you believe all sorts of things, and be able to manipulate conversations and events.

Bullying and belittling

This type of abuse is designed to make you feel bad about yourself and destroy your self-esteem and confidence. You might be called names, disrespected, have your views put down or ridiculed, be ignored or humiliated in public, or have your appearance criticised.

Emotional blackmail

The abuser might threaten to harm themselves if you leave them, or turn up with gifts after an episode of abuse, begging for forgiveness. This can go on for days, even weeks, until you give in. Alongside this behaviour there may be promises to change, seek psychological help, or stop using alcohol or drugs.

Stalking & Harassment

This type of behaviour is a pattern of unwanted, obsessive and fixated behaviour. It may be prolonged and repeated. It is especially common after the relationship ends. It can take the form of numerous and unwanted texts, calls, or messages on social media. You might find your movements are being tracked or monitored and this person shows turn up wherever you go. Unwanted letters, gifts or flowers might be sent to your home or work.

Sexual Abuse

Sexual abuse can be difficult to talk about. It involves a whole range of behaviours designed to control your sexual life, sexual health, or reproductive rights. This can involve rape or sexual assault, being forced or coerced into acts you are unhappy about, controlling your access to contraception, deliberately or carelessly exposing you to sexually transmitted disease, or being intimately criticised, demeaned or humiliated.

Financial & Economic Abuse

This type of abuse involves having your money controlled or taken, your belongings stolen or destroyed, having debts or credit cards put in your name, being coerced into lending money that is never returned, denying you access to basic goods, or denying your involvement in joint financial decisions. It’s not unusual for people who experience this type of abuse to have substantial debt, to be at risk of eviction, or have a poor credit score, making it more difficult to leave and start over.

Forced Marriage (FM), Honour-Based Abuse (HBA)

Forced Marriage (FM)
A forced marriage is when one or both people are coerced, threatened or forced to marry against their will. This is not the same as an arranged marriage when both parties consent. Forced marriage is a criminal offence and falls under the category of domestic abuse or child abuse. For more information visit: https://www.gov.uk/guidance/forced-marriage

Honour-Based Abuse (HBA)
Honour-based abuse is when you are punished or abused to restore so-called ‘honour’ to your family. But there is nothing honourable about abuse. This is usually for behaviour that is outside of what is expected or demanded, such as inappropriate dress, relationships or behaviour. This form of abuse is often perpetrated by family members. It has nothing to do with religion or ethnicity. If you think you are at risk of HBA do not underestimate how serious it can be. Please seek help and in an emergency always call 999. For help and advice visit: https://karmanirvana.org.uk/get-help/helpline/

Female Genital Mutilation (FGM)

Female Genital Mutilation (FGM) is usually carried out on young girls, but adult women can also be at risk. It is a procedure where the female genitals are cut, injured or changed. There is no medical reason for this and it often causes pain and trauma, including serious consequences for health, fertility and sexual function. It is illegal in the UK and is classed as child abuse.

For further information about what to do if you think someone is at risk of FGM please visit https://www.gov.uk/female-genital-mutilation-help-advice

By Fiona Bawden, Times Online (8th May 2007)

“Steve Connor, a student at City Law School, is a man on a mission. Six years ago he was a fairly directionless 27-year-old. Today, as well as taking the Bar Vocational Course, he is chairman of the National Centre for Domestic Violence, a ground-breaking organisation that he dragged into existence after a friend could not get legal help to protect her from an abusive partner.

Connor’s route to the Bar has been circuitous. In 2001 he returned from a year in Australia (he says that he would not dignify describing it as a gap year), and took a job as a process server in South London. The job (“I just saw it advertised in the paper”) was not quite as dull as it sounds. On one occasion he was threatened with a machete, on another, he was nearly stabbed by a man he had arranged to meet on Clapham Common to serve with a non-molestation order: “He’d seemed really friendly on the phone…”

The turning point in his life came when a friend, who was being abused by her partner, turned to him for support. Connor went with her to the police. She did not want to press criminal charges so the police suggested that she visit a solicitor to take out a civil injunction. “We must have seen 12 solicitors in a morning. We just went from one to the next to the next to the next. Everyone was very eager to help until we sat down to fill in the forms for the legal aid means test,” he says. The woman, who had a small child, did not qualify for public funding. But, Connor says, her financial situation as it appeared on paper did not bear any relation to her financial situation in reality. “She had a part-time job and she and her partner owned their home. Yet she didn’t have any money. Her boyfriend was very controlling and controlled all the money; he kept the chequebooks and didn’t let her have access to the bank account.”

The injustice of the situation got under Connor’s skin. “I just couldn’t believe that there was no help available to people who did not qualify for public funds but could not afford to pay.

I just kept feeling that this must be able to be sorted if only someone would address it.”That “someone” turned out to be him.

In 2002, thanks entirely to Connor’s doggedness, the London Centre for Domestic Violence was formed. It started out with him and a friend, but is now a national organisation, covering 27 counties, and has helped approximately 10,000 victims last year to take out injunctions against their partners.

NCDV now has nine full-time staff, 12 permanent volunteers and has trained over 5000 law and other students as McKenzie Friends to accompany unrepresented victims into court. We have also trained over 8000 police officers in civil remedies available regarding domestic violence. The National Centre for Domestic Violence (NCDV) has branches in London, Guildford and Manchester and is on track to have branches in 16 areas within the next two years.

NCDV specialises exclusively in domestic violence work and could be characterised as a cross between McDonald’s and Claims Direct. The high degree of specialisation means that its processes are streamlined: clients can be seen quickly and the work is done speedily and cheaply. “Sometimes, we will have one of our trained McKenzie Friends at a court doing 10 applications in one day,” Connor says.

Clients are not charged for the service. NCDV staff take an initial statement: clients who qualify for legal aid are referred to a local firm; those that don’t get free help from the centre itself. It runs on a shoestring, heavily reliant on volunteers and capping staff salaries at £18,000 a year.

Steve expects to qualify as a barrister this summer and hopes that having a formal legal qualification will give the centre added clout. “We are already acknowledged as experts and consulted at a high level, so I thought it would be helpful if I could back that up by being able to say I’m a barrister,” he says. He is just about to complete a one-year full-time BVC course at the City Law School (formerly the Inns of Court Law School) and, all being well, should be called to the Bar in July. Although Connor sees his long-term future as a barrister, he says that he has no immediate plans to practise. “I want to get NCDV running on a fully national level. Then I may take a step back and have a career at the Bar.”

What is Domestic Abuse