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    Sophia’s Story

    Reading Time: 3 minutes

    Sophia’s Story

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    Sophia (not her real name), referred herself to NCDV.  Although she was on benefits, Sophia had always prided herself on her ability to manage her finances. She grew up in a family that didn’t have a lot of money but what they did have, they spent wisely and Sophia took these values into her adult life. When she met Mark (not his real name), he seemed different from anyone she had ever known before. He was kind, charming, and supportive—at least, that’s how it started. He praised her and often spoke about the future they would build together. He made her feel loved and important.

    In the beginning, their relationship was filled with shared dreams and excitement about building a life together. But soon, Mark’s behaviour started to change. At that point in time, Sophia did work.  A job she enjoyed.  The coercive control started subtly. He would say “You don’t need to work, I earn more than enough to take care of you,” or later, once she had left her job, he would say, “I can pay the bills.  It is easier if I just do it.” He managed to convince Sophia that she could focus on other things and let him handle the finances. At first, it seemed like a thoughtful gesture. Sophia didn’t have to worry about anything.

    As time went on, however, Mark began to control every aspect of their finances without Sophia even noticing it until it was too late. He insisted that Sophia close her individual bank accounts and merge everything into a joint account. He assured her that it would be easier for them to manage their money together.  Sophia didn’t want to do it, but she did, believing that it would strengthen their relationship.

    But soon, Mark started making decisions about their money without even consulting her. He told her how much she could spend and what she could buy.  She had to show him receipts when she had been out shopping.  He would give her ‘pocket money’ with which to get food shopping but nothing else unless he had agreed.  Sophia tried to question these things, but Mark would tell her, “You don’t understand money like I do.” He would make her feel useless and stupid.

    It got worse.  Mark began using their finances as a tool of control. He would take out large amounts of money for himself without discussing it with Sophia, leaving her wondering how they would pay bills or cover everyday expenses. He would constantly remind her of how much he was providing for her, making her feel dependent on him. “I’ve given you everything you have,” he would say. “You wouldn’t be able to live without me.”

    Sophia felt trapped. She had always been financially independent, before she met Mark, but now she was left with no means of supporting herself.  If she would ask for money to buy clothes or toiletries for herself, he would accuse her of being ungrateful for all that he provided, and she began to feel guilty for even considering buying something for herself.

    The emotional strain of the financial abuse started to affect every part of Sophia’s life. She felt anxious and helpless, unsure of how she could get herself out of the situation.  She became completely dependent on him for money, and had no means of supporting herself if she left the relationship.

    It wasn’t until Sophia confided in a close friend that she began to see that what was happening to her was a form of abuse. Her friend listened patiently and then said, “That’s financial abuse, Sophia. You’re not in control of your own life.” It was a wake-up call. Sophia had never thought of it that way, but once she recognised the pattern, everything clicked. She realised she needed to take back control of her finances and her life.

    Sophia made the decision to leave Mark and return to her parent’s home. She knew that breaking free from the financial abuse would take time, but she was determined to regain her independence.  With the help of a specialist domestic abuse support organisation, Sophia slowly began to untangle herself from Mark’s control. It wasn’t easy.  Sophia felt she had to start her life from scratch.  And Mark would not stop calling her and turning up to where she now lived. The domestic abuse organisation referred her to NCDV and we helped her get a non-molestation injunction.  However, Mark was very determined!  He breached the court order by turning up at Sophia’s parents’ house and threatening to kick the front door down. The police were called and Mark was arrested for breach of the court order and criminal damage.  He was sentenced to 2 weeks in prison.  Not long, you might say?!, but it was enough for him to realise that Sophia had broken the cycle of abuse, ad he no longer had control over her.

    Sophia remains protected by the non-molestation injunction.  She is working again and is starting to feel more confident in managing her own finances again.

    Sophia’s story is a powerful reminder that financial abuse is a form of control that can leave lasting emotional and financial scars. But with support, education, and courage, it’s possible to reclaim independence and rebuild a life free from abuse.

    Share Your Story

    In this series we are using the brave stories of domestic abuse survivors to bring hope to others currently facing abuse. Their stories are sadly not unique, the victims share them willingly to help others get the support they did.
    Share This Story

    By Fiona Bawden, Times Online (8th May 2007)

    “Steve Connor, a student at City Law School, is a man on a mission. Six years ago he was a fairly directionless 27-year-old. Today, as well as taking the Bar Vocational Course, he is chairman of the National Centre for Domestic Violence, a ground-breaking organisation that he dragged into existence after a friend could not get legal help to protect her from an abusive partner.

    Connor’s route to the Bar has been circuitous. In 2001 he returned from a year in Australia (he says that he would not dignify describing it as a gap year), and took a job as a process server in South London. The job (“I just saw it advertised in the paper”) was not quite as dull as it sounds. On one occasion he was threatened with a machete, on another, he was nearly stabbed by a man he had arranged to meet on Clapham Common to serve with a non-molestation order: “He’d seemed really friendly on the phone…”

    The turning point in his life came when a friend, who was being abused by her partner, turned to him for support. Connor went with her to the police. She did not want to press criminal charges so the police suggested that she visit a solicitor to take out a civil injunction. “We must have seen 12 solicitors in a morning. We just went from one to the next to the next to the next. Everyone was very eager to help until we sat down to fill in the forms for the legal aid means test,” he says. The woman, who had a small child, did not qualify for public funding. But, Connor says, her financial situation as it appeared on paper did not bear any relation to her financial situation in reality. “She had a part-time job and she and her partner owned their home. Yet she didn’t have any money. Her boyfriend was very controlling and controlled all the money; he kept the chequebooks and didn’t let her have access to the bank account.”

    The injustice of the situation got under Connor’s skin. “I just couldn’t believe that there was no help available to people who did not qualify for public funds but could not afford to pay.

    I just kept feeling that this must be able to be sorted if only someone would address it.”That “someone” turned out to be him.

    In 2002, thanks entirely to Connor’s doggedness, the London Centre for Domestic Violence was formed. It started out with him and a friend, but is now a national organisation, covering 27 counties, and has helped approximately 10,000 victims last year to take out injunctions against their partners.

    NCDV now has nine full-time staff, 12 permanent volunteers and has trained over 5000 law and other students as McKenzie Friends to accompany unrepresented victims into court. We have also trained over 8000 police officers in civil remedies available regarding domestic violence. The National Centre for Domestic Violence (NCDV) has branches in London, Guildford and Manchester and is on track to have branches in 16 areas within the next two years.

    NCDV specialises exclusively in domestic violence work and could be characterised as a cross between McDonald’s and Claims Direct. The high degree of specialisation means that its processes are streamlined: clients can be seen quickly and the work is done speedily and cheaply. “Sometimes, we will have one of our trained McKenzie Friends at a court doing 10 applications in one day,” Connor says.

    Clients are not charged for the service. NCDV staff take an initial statement: clients who qualify for legal aid are referred to a local firm; those that don’t get free help from the centre itself. It runs on a shoestring, heavily reliant on volunteers and capping staff salaries at £18,000 a year.

    Steve expects to qualify as a barrister this summer and hopes that having a formal legal qualification will give the centre added clout. “We are already acknowledged as experts and consulted at a high level, so I thought it would be helpful if I could back that up by being able to say I’m a barrister,” he says. He is just about to complete a one-year full-time BVC course at the City Law School (formerly the Inns of Court Law School) and, all being well, should be called to the Bar in July. Although Connor sees his long-term future as a barrister, he says that he has no immediate plans to practise. “I want to get NCDV running on a fully national level. Then I may take a step back and have a career at the Bar.”