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    John’s Story

    Reading Time: 2 minutes

    John’s Story

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    John (not his real name) was referred to NCDV by a support group for male victims of domestic abuse.  He didn’t ever think he would find himself in an abusive relationship. Growing up, he had been taught that men should be strong, protective, and resilient. When he met Sarah (not her real name), he thought he had found his perfect match. She was kind, loving, and made him feel special. But as time went on, things began to change.

    At first, it was small things. Sarah would criticise his appearance or make passive-aggressive remarks about his career. He brushed it off, thinking it was just stress. But the criticism slowly escalated. She would belittle him in front of his friends, accuse him of being inadequate, and sometimes even push him or grab him in anger. Every time John would try to speak to her, she would get very tearful, apologise and promise to change, making him feel guilty for even bringing it up.

    The emotional abuse continued to the point where John became withdrawn and unsure of himself. He lost touch with his friends and began feeling isolated. At work, he couldn’t concentrate; the constant emotional turmoil was exhausting him. He felt trapped.  He didn’t feel able to escape the cycle of emotional manipulation and control. His confidence disappeared and he started questioning whether he was the problem, not her.

    One night, things escalated.  After an argument, Sarah grabbed him by the collar, shoving him into the wall. John felt the pain of the physical blow, but more than the pain, he felt humiliated. He had never imagined that his relationship would turn violent.

    However, this particular incident made John realise that he needed to do something. John knew he couldn’t stay silent about the abuse any longer, but the shame he felt, of being a man in an abusive relationship made it harder for him to seek help. He worried about what his family and friends would think, especially as society often didn’t talk about male victims of domestic abuse. But his emotional and physical scars could not be ignored anymore.

    John found the courage to reach out to a local support group for male victims of domestic abuse. As well as supporting John with much needed therapy and counselling, they referred him to NCDV to get a non-molestation injunction.

    With the support of the local organisation and NCDV, John was able to see that he was not alone in his situation.  Many men face similar struggles, but often feel shame and humiliation, as John did.

    John was successful in his application for a non-molestation injunction.  Knowing that he had the protection of the courts and that he had been believed, gave him the courage to leave the relationship.

    Today, John is working on rebuilding his sense of self-worth. It hasn’t been easy, but he is no longer ashamed to talk about his experience. John’s story is a reminder that domestic abuse knows no gender. It can affect anyone, and seeking help is a crucial step toward regaining one’s life and dignity.

    Share Your Story

    In this series we are using the brave stories of domestic abuse survivors to bring hope to others currently facing abuse. Their stories are sadly not unique, the victims share them willingly to help others get the support they did.
    Share This Story

    By Fiona Bawden, Times Online (8th May 2007)

    “Steve Connor, a student at City Law School, is a man on a mission. Six years ago he was a fairly directionless 27-year-old. Today, as well as taking the Bar Vocational Course, he is chairman of the National Centre for Domestic Violence, a ground-breaking organisation that he dragged into existence after a friend could not get legal help to protect her from an abusive partner.

    Connor’s route to the Bar has been circuitous. In 2001 he returned from a year in Australia (he says that he would not dignify describing it as a gap year), and took a job as a process server in South London. The job (“I just saw it advertised in the paper”) was not quite as dull as it sounds. On one occasion he was threatened with a machete, on another, he was nearly stabbed by a man he had arranged to meet on Clapham Common to serve with a non-molestation order: “He’d seemed really friendly on the phone…”

    The turning point in his life came when a friend, who was being abused by her partner, turned to him for support. Connor went with her to the police. She did not want to press criminal charges so the police suggested that she visit a solicitor to take out a civil injunction. “We must have seen 12 solicitors in a morning. We just went from one to the next to the next to the next. Everyone was very eager to help until we sat down to fill in the forms for the legal aid means test,” he says. The woman, who had a small child, did not qualify for public funding. But, Connor says, her financial situation as it appeared on paper did not bear any relation to her financial situation in reality. “She had a part-time job and she and her partner owned their home. Yet she didn’t have any money. Her boyfriend was very controlling and controlled all the money; he kept the chequebooks and didn’t let her have access to the bank account.”

    The injustice of the situation got under Connor’s skin. “I just couldn’t believe that there was no help available to people who did not qualify for public funds but could not afford to pay.

    I just kept feeling that this must be able to be sorted if only someone would address it.”That “someone” turned out to be him.

    In 2002, thanks entirely to Connor’s doggedness, the London Centre for Domestic Violence was formed. It started out with him and a friend, but is now a national organisation, covering 27 counties, and has helped approximately 10,000 victims last year to take out injunctions against their partners.

    NCDV now has nine full-time staff, 12 permanent volunteers and has trained over 5000 law and other students as McKenzie Friends to accompany unrepresented victims into court. We have also trained over 8000 police officers in civil remedies available regarding domestic violence. The National Centre for Domestic Violence (NCDV) has branches in London, Guildford and Manchester and is on track to have branches in 16 areas within the next two years.

    NCDV specialises exclusively in domestic violence work and could be characterised as a cross between McDonald’s and Claims Direct. The high degree of specialisation means that its processes are streamlined: clients can be seen quickly and the work is done speedily and cheaply. “Sometimes, we will have one of our trained McKenzie Friends at a court doing 10 applications in one day,” Connor says.

    Clients are not charged for the service. NCDV staff take an initial statement: clients who qualify for legal aid are referred to a local firm; those that don’t get free help from the centre itself. It runs on a shoestring, heavily reliant on volunteers and capping staff salaries at £18,000 a year.

    Steve expects to qualify as a barrister this summer and hopes that having a formal legal qualification will give the centre added clout. “We are already acknowledged as experts and consulted at a high level, so I thought it would be helpful if I could back that up by being able to say I’m a barrister,” he says. He is just about to complete a one-year full-time BVC course at the City Law School (formerly the Inns of Court Law School) and, all being well, should be called to the Bar in July. Although Connor sees his long-term future as a barrister, he says that he has no immediate plans to practise. “I want to get NCDV running on a fully national level. Then I may take a step back and have a career at the Bar.”