“I still can’t talk about my dog”: Breaking the silence around pets and domestic abuse

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“I still can’t talk about my dog”: Breaking the silence around pets and domestic abuse

Posted: November 19, 2025

Content note: this article includes non-graphic references to threats and harm to animals.

I have lost count of the number of times I’ve witnessed genuine fear for the safety of family pets. Domestic abuse victims can be stuck in the nightmare of not being able to take them into emergency accommodation. But nor can they leave them behind, because their safety will be compromised, maybe even their lives.

Those of us who have worked on the frontline know the challenges only too well. It becomes even more complex when it goes beyond dogs, cats and small animals – in rural areas it might be horses, chickens or goats too.

There is an established link between domestic abuse and harm or threat to animals. This link has been backed up by repeated studies, and is reflected in NCDV’s own data set out in our 2025 report Family Pets & Domestic Abuse:

We deeply love our pets, and perpetrators will exploit this, using animals to coerce or blackmail; as leverage; to prevent someone from leaving the relationship; or to force them to return. Pets can be targeted directly, threatened, abused, neglected, physically abused or killed. Others in the household, including children, are often forced to witness these horrors.

People can be upfront and vocal about their concerns for their pets when they are fighting to keep them safe. But after the relationship ends, the voices often dry up. It’s difficult to open up. “I still can’t talk about my dog.”

Not because it didn’t matter. Because it mattered too much.

In the UK we don’t always talk easily about cruelty to animals, especially when it’s entangled with cruelty to people. Survivors tell us they fear judgement: “What kind of person stays after that?” or “Why didn’t you protect the children from seeing that?” As if the blame belongs with the person trying to survive, rather than the person choosing to harm.

Shame thrives in that silence. So do abusers.

When pets become part of the control

For many families, a pet is the steady heartbeat of the home; warmth on the sofa, a reason to get up in the morning, a companion who makes an unsafe house bearable. Perpetrators know this. They exploit that bond to frighten, punish and trap. The message is clear: “Your love makes you vulnerable. I will use it.”

We’ve read thousands of witness statements over the years. The patterns repeat: threats to “get rid” of the dog; locking the cat out in freezing weather so the child can hear it crying; refusing food or vet care as “discipline”; forcing the applicant to “choose” between safety and leaving the pet behind.

None of that needs to be graphic to be devastating. It is coercive control, and it works.

“I could cope with being kicked. I couldn’t cope when he tried to kick dog.”
— Applicant, anonymised

The judgement survivors don’t deserve

Survivors already carry too many accusations that are not theirs: Why didn’t you leave sooner? Why did you go back? Add a pet and the chorus grows: How could you let that happen? But a survivor’s options are often brutally limited by money, housing, immigration status, disability, childcare – and the reality that most emergency accommodation cannot accept animals. Love becomes a lever used against them.

When we shame people who are being abused, we do the abuser’s job. We make disclosure less likely. We make planning harder. We make leaving riskier.

Why we need to talk about it…carefully, kindly

Silence doesn’t protect animals or people; it protects the abuser. When we bring pet-related abuse into the open, several things change:

Risk is recognised earlier. Threats or harm to pets are often a red flag for escalation and wider danger to adults and children.
Barriers become solvable. If we acknowledge the pet, we can plan—pet-friendly refuge spaces, safe fostering, boarding, transport, vet records.
Professionals are empowered. Vets, housing officers, teachers, social workers and police can spot patterns and signpost safely when they know what to look for.
Survivors feel believed. Naming the tactic validates the reality they’ve lived with—often in silence.

What our data adds – and what it can’t show

At NCDV we analysed 64,046 anonymised witness statements from adults seeking civil protection. 6.51% included an explicit mention of threats, harm or risk to pets. That figure is a conservative lower-bound—it reflects what made it into legal paperwork under pressure, not everything that happened at home. Survivor surveys often find higher rates. Put together, the message is simple: this is not rare, and it is not trivial.

A different kind of “why didn’t you…?”

When someone discloses that their partner threatened or hurt a pet, the most helpful questions are not, “Why didn’t you leave?” or “Why didn’t you stop it?” Try instead:

“Are you and your pet safe now?”
“What would make it possible for you to leave with your pet?”
“Can I help you connect with services that have pet-friendly options or trusted fostering?”

Those questions move us from judgement to practical solidarity.

If you’re a professional, here’s what helps

Ask about pets in risk assessments and safety planning. A simple “Do you have any pets? Are you worried about them?” can open the door without blame or pressure.
Record what you hear, in the survivor’s words, non-judgementally.
Know your pathways: local fostering schemes, refuges that accept animals, emergency boarding, how to reference pets in civil orders.
If you’re a vet or practice team, learn safe enquiry and signposting. A change in an animal’s behaviour, or an owner’s, can be an early warning.

To anyone who recognises themselves

If you’ve stayed because of a pet, you are not weak. You are loving. You were protecting someone who depends on you, with the options you had. The shame is not yours to carry.

It is okay to ask for help that includes your pet. It is okay to say, “I can leave if my dog is safe.” It is okay to leave with your pet, or to make a plan where your pet is fostered safely until you can be reunited. There are people who understand that both of you matter.

“My dog Poppy would protect me until her last breath. Fostering was hard, I missed her and worried about her a lot. But now we’re back together and I know I did my best to keep her safe.”
— Applicant, anonymised

It’s okay to speak out

As practitioners, we are ideally placed to reduce the shame and stigma by gently encouraging people to talk about the threats and harm to animals they witnessed in the past. Animals cannot speak up for themselves, but fear of judgement can remove the voice of the survivor too. We’re unlikely to hear someone talk about their pet being hurt or killed by an ex-partner, even if it was years ago. Even those closest to them might not be aware.

This silence has delayed effective policy for decades, and although much work is now being done by the leaders in this field, there is still a long way to go.

We can support their voices by speaking out on this issue.

Getting help

If you’re concerned about your safety, you can contact NCDV for free, fast help with civil protection orders. In an emergency, always call 999.

For information on pet fostering and the organisations that can help you:

The Links Group

Website: www.thelinksgroup.org.uk

The Links Group is a national charity that raises awareness of the link between the abuse of people and animals through collaboration, research, training, and advocacy.

Links Accredited fostering services:

The Endeavour Project

Website: endeavourproject.org.uk
Provides confidential pet fostering for people escaping domestic abuse across the Northwest of England. Endeavour ensures animals are cared for in safe, loving homes until their owners can be reunited.

Cats Protection Lifeline

Website: cats.org.uk/what-we-do/cp-lifeline
Offers free, confidential cat fostering for survivors of domestic abuse, enabling people to reach safety while their cats are cared for by trusted volunteers. Operates across multiple UK regions.

Dogs Trust Freedom Project

Website: dogstrustfreedomproject.org.uk
Provides a free fostering service for dogs belonging to people fleeing domestic abuse. Dogs are temporarily placed with volunteer foster carers until their owners are rehoused and ready to be reunited.

Refuge4Pets

Website: refuge4pets.org.uk
Supports people in Devon and Cornwall escaping domestic abuse by providing specialist fostering for any pet type — dogs, cats, or small animals. The service removes a key barrier to safety and recovery for survivors.