When pregnancy isn’t safe

During October Awareness Month, we are bringing the conversation back around to domestic abuse and pregnancy. Pregnancy should be a time of excitement, anticipation and new beginnings. But for some people, pregnancy is also a time of fear, uncertainty and increasing control.

The arrival of a baby can bring enormous changes to a relationship. There may be new financial pressures, changes in employment, physical and emotional changes, and uncertainty about what the future will look like. For many couples, these changes are navigated together.

But for someone experiencing a tightening of control and restrictions around what they can or cannot do, and especially for someone who is already living in a coercively controlling relationship, pregnancy can introduce new vulnerabilities. It also creates new opportunities for a perpetrator to exert power and control.

The very person who should be offering support is the person making life feel increasingly unsafe.

Domestic abuse doesn’t always begin with pregnancy

Domestic abuse can begin or escalate during pregnancy. A pregnancy can shift the balance of control, and make someone feel more dependent, or more invested in keeping things on track.

For some victim-survivors, abuse is already present before they become pregnant. They may have experienced controlling behaviour, emotional abuse, financial abuse or physical violence for months or years. But pregnancy can change the circumstances in which that abuse takes place.

There may be increased financial dependence. A person may be unable to work or may need to reduce their hours. They may become more reliant on their partner for transport, money or practical support. Their access to friends and family may become more limited. And the prospect of having a baby may make the idea of leaving feel even more complicated.

For others, abuse may begin during pregnancy. A relationship that once felt safe may begin to change. What initially appeared to be concern about the pregnancy may become monitoring, criticism or control. A partner may insist on attending every appointment, demand constant updates, control decisions about the pregnancy or become increasingly possessive. It can be difficult to distinguish genuine support from controlling behaviour, particularly when the behaviour is presented as concern for the pregnant person’s wellbeing.

On the other hand, some partners may express frustration that the pregnancy is taking up too much of their partner’s time and attention and they are being neglected.

When concern becomes control

Pregnancy involves many decisions. There may be discussions about healthcare, birth plans, finances, living arrangements, parenting and the future. These decisions should involve communication, respect and consent. But a partner’s involvement should not mean that the pregnant person loses control over their own body or choices.

Control might include:

• Pressuring someone about whether to continue or end a pregnancy.
• Interfering with access to antenatal care.
• Controlling who attends appointments.
• Monitoring movements, communications or contact with others.
• Restricting access to money, transport or essential items.
• Preventing someone from working or maintaining relationships.
• Using threats, intimidation or emotional blackmail.
• Making someone feel guilty for decisions about their own pregnancy.
• Threatening to take the baby away.

These behaviours may not always be recognised as domestic abuse. They may be presented as love, concern, protection or an understandable reaction to the pressures of becoming a parent. But support should never come at the cost of someone’s autonomy.

Pregnancy can change the dynamics of risk

Pregnancy does not automatically mean that domestic abuse will escalate. However, research and professional guidance identify pregnancy and the period following birth as important times for recognising and responding to domestic abuse.

For some victim-survivors, abuse becomes more frequent or severe. For others, the nature of the abuse changes. There may be greater control, increased monitoring, threats involving the baby or attempts to isolate the pregnant person from support. And for some, the pregnancy itself may be a source of increased danger.

This is why professionals should not assume that the absence of physical violence means the absence of risk. A person may be experiencing intense coercive control without being physically assaulted. They may be frightened of their partner’s reaction to a medical decision, an appointment or a decision about the birth.

If someone is experiencing physical violence while pregnant, it raises the risk threshold considerably. There are two potential victims now. But although the risks of injury and harm are obvious, it’s important to keep in mind that stress can also cause harm. A pregnancy requires peace, calm and safety.

But surely, you’re excited about the baby?

Sometimes, pregnancy creates an expectation that everyone should be happy. A pregnant person may feel pressure to present a positive picture. They may worry that admitting difficulties will make them appear unstable or incapable of becoming a parent. They may fear that professionals will judge them. They may worry about what will happen to their relationship, their finances, their home or their baby if they disclose abuse. And if their partner is loving and attentive in public, it may be even harder to explain what happens behind closed doors.

It’s possible to feel two things at once: a deep loving connection to your unborn baby, and dread about the future and how your partner might react to life with a newborn.

The importance of asking the right questions

Pregnancy brings regular contact with healthcare professionals. Midwives, health visitors, GPs, obstetricians and other professionals may have opportunities to notice changes, ask questions and offer support. But asking about domestic abuse requires care. A partner may attend appointments.

They may answer questions on behalf of the pregnant person. They may insist on being present.

They may appear charming, concerned and helpful. And the person experiencing abuse may not feel safe enough to speak openly. That is why private, sensitive opportunities to talk matter.

But not everyone will recognise or accept they are living with abuse, especially if the behaviours revolve around control and coercion and not physical violence. How questions are phrased can make a difference:

• How are things at home?
• Do you feel safe and happy in your relationship?
• Do you ever feel sad, scared or confused about your relationship?
• Is there anything you’re worried about that you haven’t felt able to talk about?

The aim is not to force disclosure. It is to create an opportunity. And if someone does disclose abuse, the response matters enormously. They need to be listened to, believed and taken seriously. They need to understand what support is available. And they need professionals to consider their safety, their pregnancy and the wider circumstances in which they are living.

A new baby should mean new beginnings

Pregnancy and parenthood can be times of enormous change. They can also be times when existing inequalities, financial dependence and controlling behaviours become more pronounced.

For someone experiencing domestic abuse, the transition to parenthood may bring additional fears and pressures. But it can also be an opportunity for professionals, friends and family members to recognise what is happening and offer support.

If you are experiencing abuse during pregnancy, you do not have to wait until the baby is born to seek help. You do not have to prove that the abuse is serious enough. You do not have to make a decision about your entire relationship today. And you do not have to navigate it alone.

If you are concerned about someone who is pregnant, remember that a person may be experiencing abuse even when their partner appears loving, attentive or protective. Look beyond the presentation. Listen to the person themselves. And consider whether they feel safe, supported and free to make decisions about their own life and pregnancy.

No one should have to experience domestic abuse alongside the anticipation of bringing a child into the world.