Over the Easter break I bumped into an old acquaintance at the gym. After working off some of the chocolate eggs, we caught up in the jacuzzi where she told me her daughter had recently left an abusive relationship. The reason, she told me, is because her daughter has “terrible taste” in men. It turns out this is the third controlling relationship she has left in the last few years.
Despite the concern etched on her face, and the love she clearly holds for her child, there was absolutely no blame directed at the abusive partners, or acknowledgement of the courage it must have taken to escape three abusive men in the space of a decade. She seemed to believe it was all her daughter’s failing for making bad choices.
It made me think of my own early relationships and how I believed that I, too, had “terrible taste” when choosing partners. For years, I felt guilt about the trouble I put myself and my family through and wondered why I didn’t have more natural insight. My poor choices in life were echoed in how I refused to attend school, left home early and went on to develop an eating disorder and a mental health problem.
It took some years maturing and reflecting to realise that all these things were related. My awful experiences of teenage domestic abuse left me broken, and it took a long time to mend myself and realise there had been absolutely nothing wrong with me or my choices; that we are never responsible for someone else’s abuse.
Domestic abuse is not an event, it’s a process, and it usually starts with grooming. No one gets a punch to the nose on a first date and decides this person is the love of their life. On the contrary, we are sucked in by someone who presents as credible and charming. We think we’ve met the person of our dreams…this might be the one.
And like any fairy tale, these types of relationships are often whirlwind romances so by the time the abusive behaviour surfaces, we are already heavily invested and may even be married to, living with, or sharing a child with them. We are stuck in a relationship that began as a dream but is quickly unravelling into our worst nightmare. When we finally escape, bloodied and bruised (sometimes literally) we are acutely vulnerable to the next controlling person who will abuse our trust. This is why some people have a series of abusive partners. And yet, we are made to believe this is our own fault for making poor choices and having “terrible taste”.
The report, Come Together to End Domestic Abuse: a survey of UK attitudes to domestic abuse 2022 published by Women’s Aid Federation of England, suggests that public attitudes about domestic abuse are still influenced by sexist attitudes towards women. Sexual abuse of a woman by her male partner is particularly downplayed. This leads me to pose the question: does there remain a tendency in society to blame the victim for their own abuse? Are men judged by the same standards? Possibly, they are.
Without a shift in public perception, addressing domestic abuse will remain challenging. Instead of blaming the survivor, we should be putting the blame firmly where it lies, with the abuser. We need to be more empathic and understand that anyone can be groomed. We have to accept that domestic abuse makes us more vulnerable to further abuse by other partners. Finally, we should realise that domestic abuse does not happen because of the survivor’s poor choices, but because the person who is meant to love and care for us chooses to abuse their power and betray our trust. It’s that simple.
If you want to read the Women’s Aid report you can find it at: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/Final-Come-Together-to-End-Domestic-Abuse-a-survey-of-UK-attitudes-to-domestic-abuse-2022-1.pdf
Over the Easter break I bumped into an old acquaintance at the gym. After working off some of the chocolate eggs, we caught up in the jacuzzi where she told me her daughter had recently left an abusive relationship. The reason, she told me, is because her daughter has “terrible taste” in men. It turns out this is the third controlling relationship she has left in the last few years.
Despite the concern etched on her face, and the love she clearly holds for her child, there was absolutely no blame directed at the abusive partners, or acknowledgement of the courage it must have taken to escape three abusive men in the space of a decade. She seemed to believe it was all her daughter’s failing for making bad choices.
It made me think of my own early relationships and how I believed that I, too, had “terrible taste” when choosing partners. For years, I felt guilt about the trouble I put myself and my family through and wondered why I didn’t have more natural insight. My poor choices in life were echoed in how I refused to attend school, left home early and went on to develop an eating disorder and a mental health problem.
It took some years maturing and reflecting to realise that all these things were related. My awful experiences of teenage domestic abuse left me broken, and it took a long time to mend myself and realise there had been absolutely nothing wrong with me or my choices; that we are never responsible for someone else’s abuse.
Domestic abuse is not an event, it’s a process, and it usually starts with grooming. No one gets a punch to the nose on a first date and decides this person is the love of their life. On the contrary, we are sucked in by someone who presents as credible and charming. We think we’ve met the person of our dreams…this might be the one.
And like any fairy tale, these types of relationships are often whirlwind romances so by the time the abusive behaviour surfaces, we are already heavily invested and may even be married to, living with, or sharing a child with them. We are stuck in a relationship that began as a dream but is quickly unravelling into our worst nightmare. When we finally escape, bloodied and bruised (sometimes literally) we are acutely vulnerable to the next controlling person who will abuse our trust. This is why some people have a series of abusive partners. And yet, we are made to believe this is our own fault for making poor choices and having “terrible taste”.
The report, Come Together to End Domestic Abuse: a survey of UK attitudes to domestic abuse 2022 published by Women’s Aid Federation of England, suggests that public attitudes about domestic abuse are still influenced by sexist attitudes towards women. Sexual abuse of a woman by her male partner is particularly downplayed. This leads me to pose the question: does there remain a tendency in society to blame the victim for their own abuse? Are men judged by the same standards? Possibly, they are.
Without a shift in public perception, addressing domestic abuse will remain challenging. Instead of blaming the survivor, we should be putting the blame firmly where it lies, with the abuser. We need to be more empathic and understand that anyone can be groomed. We have to accept that domestic abuse makes us more vulnerable to further abuse by other partners. Finally, we should realise that domestic abuse does not happen because of the survivor’s poor choices, but because the person who is meant to love and care for us chooses to abuse their power and betray our trust. It’s that simple.
If you want to read the Women’s Aid report you can find it at: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/Final-Come-Together-to-End-Domestic-Abuse-a-survey-of-UK-attitudes-to-domestic-abuse-2022-1.pdf
Charlotte Woodward
National Training Manager, NCDV
