Spot The Warning Signs of an Abusive Partner

Please note that this blog was posted over 2 years ago and may no longer be accurate

Disclaimer – For the purposes of this particular blog and the references to The Freedom Programme, I will refer to women as the victim and men as the perpetrator.

If we have been in an abusive relationship, we may feel that we would know the warning signs straight away, if a new partner was also abusive. But everyone is different, and we may not know! For example, if our previous relationship was categorized by physical abuse, we may not recognise the signs of a coercively controlling person, and vice versa.

Some of the women who have completed my Freedom Programmes have told me that when they met a new partner, they went to the police station and asked to make a Claire’s Law application. This can be a good way of finding out if your new boyfriend/girlfriend has ever been reported to the police for abusive behaviour. It may also be easier to end a relationship early on if we have the knowledge of previous abusive behaviour, rather than later on, when we will of invested more into the relationship.

However, it is important to note that we know that many women never report the abuse to the Police or any other organisation. That being the case, a Claire’s Law application would come back clear! So let’s take a look below at some early warning signs you may see in ‘The Dominator’s’ persona.

Early Bully

He may go quiet for a while if we disagree with something he says or does. He may use the body language of The Bully. Watch out for tapping fingers, folded arms and swinging feet! He may tell us very early on in the relationship that he would never hit a woman. Ask yourself – why would he need to tell us this at all?

Early Jailer

This is a difficult one to see unless you have done The Freedom Programme or read the book ‘Living with the Dominator’. A lot of the warning signs for the Jailor may be seen as being romantic or loving. We may feel that he is just so in love with us, he can’t bear us to be apart. For example, we may say we are going to see a friend and he may insist that he drops us off and picks us up. He may genuinely be trying to be helpful and caring. BUT he may be making sure we are going where we say we are and that there is not a man there! He will say he doesn’t want us to work because “you don’t have to. I will provide for you”. He may want to see us every day and come round at times when we are not expecting him.

Early Headworker

The Headworker is coercively controlling. So subtle that it is difficult to see it until it is too late! He may put us down in front of other people but will always use humour to do it. He may make insulting comments about our appearance under the guise of a compliment. For example – “You would look so much prettier if you lost a little weight”! He may make sexist, racist or homophobic jokes.

Early Persuader

He could make us feel sorry for him. He will try to persuade us to do something he knows we don’t like and don’t want to do. He could buy food that he knows we don’t like and try to persuade us to eat it. He may say he would kill himself rather than not be in a relationship with us!

Early Liar

He may tell us his previous partner was a bitch and will now not let him see his children. *Warning – if someone tells you they have children but they aren’t allowed to see them, there is usually a very good reason why!!* He will use minimisation and use the only word. For example he may say something hurtful to us then say “It was only a joke!” or “I did hit her once but it was only a slap and it was her fault because she was drunk!”

Early Badfather

As mentioned above, the Badfather may not have contact with his own children. He may be overly attentive and friendly with our children, buying them presents and treats. He may, very quickly, make himself indispensable. He may provide us with financial support and practical help. This is very hard to resist if we have been struggling to manage time and/or finances on our own. But equally as quickly, he may start dispensing discipline. He may tell our children off or take things from them if they are naughty.

Early King of the Castle

He may start leaving his clothes and other belonging at our house. He will begin to choose our clothes but in very subtle way. For example, he may say “You look lovely in that dress but don’t you think it would look even more lovely if it was a little bit longer?” He may offer to do household chores for us but do them so badly that we don’t actually want him to do them, so we do them ourselves.

Early Sexual Controller

He will want to have sex very early on in the relationship and get upset or sulk if you say No. When you do have sex with him, he may only have regard in satisfying himself and not care about how you feel. He won’t communicate with you whilst having sex. He refuses to wear a condom.

These warning signs will not be obvious or happen all at once. They will come in clusters. They will present themselves, several at a time. You may not be sure how you feel about it. You may feel uncomfortable and choose to ignore your uneasiness. However, women who have done the Freedom Programme have said that after doing the programme, they take these uneasy feelings much more seriously.

Good luck! Trust your instincts and remember – not everyone is abusive!

Sharon Bryan
Head Of Partnerships & Development Of Domestic Abuse Services

NCDV

NCDV provides a free, fast emergency injunction service to those at risk of all forms of domestic abuse regardless of their financial situation, ethnicity, gender or sexuality.

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