Disclaimer – For the purposes of this particular blog and the references to The Freedom Programme, I will refer to women as the victim and men as the perpetrator.
If we have been in an abusive relationship, we may feel that we would know the warning signs straight away, if a new partner was also abusive. But everyone is different, and we may not know! For example, if our previous relationship was categorized by physical abuse, we may not recognise the signs of a coercively controlling person, and vice versa.
Some of the women who have completed my Freedom Programmes have told me that when they met a new partner, they went to the police station and asked to make a Claire’s Law application. This can be a good way of finding out if your new boyfriend/girlfriend has ever been reported to the police for abusive behaviour. It may also be easier to end a relationship early on if we have the knowledge of previous abusive behaviour, rather than later on, when we will of invested more into the relationship.
However, it is important to note that we know that many women never report the abuse to the Police or any other organisation. That being the case, a Claire’s Law application would come back clear! So let’s take a look below at some early warning signs you may see in ‘The Dominator’s’ persona.
Early Bully
Early Jailer
Early Headworker
Early Persuader
Early Liar
Early Badfather
As mentioned above, the Badfather may not have contact with his own children. He may be overly attentive and friendly with our children, buying them presents and treats. He may, very quickly, make himself indispensable. He may provide us with financial support and practical help. This is very hard to resist if we have been struggling to manage time and/or finances on our own. But equally as quickly, he may start dispensing discipline. He may tell our children off or take things from them if they are naughty.
Early King of the Castle
Early Sexual Controller
These warning signs will not be obvious or happen all at once. They will come in clusters. They will present themselves, several at a time. You may not be sure how you feel about it. You may feel uncomfortable and choose to ignore your uneasiness. However, women who have done the Freedom Programme have said that after doing the programme, they take these uneasy feelings much more seriously.
Good luck! Trust your instincts and remember – not everyone is abusive!
Sharon Bryan
Head Of Partnerships & Development Of Domestic Abuse Services